Following Lee-Anne’s blog last week I realise there are a couple of extra points to be made in relation to this thorny issue of others being upset by something we have written.  These are points of a more general nature however.

Memoir is probably a simpler issue: you yourself as the writer are recording events from your own point of view.  Yes, there are others involved but you can run your work passed them prior to publication to seek approval or come to an agreement re any changes or omissions that seem to be either necessary or kind and considerate.

As I see it, the real problem comes if you have chosen to write family history.  All families have skeletons in their cupboards.  Some don’t care a fig if and when these skeletons are dragged out and aired; others can be hugely embarrassed, distressed, humiliated…  Basic common decency and respect for others means that these concerns must be dealt with carefully and caringly.

By way of example let me tell you about my own family where there were a couple of babies born “out of wedlock” back when such things were not acceptable in most circles.

One was born in the 1930s and on the chart of the family tree her name was underlined; the only one that was.  My brother and I were intrigued and asked questions. We were told that even though it looked like she was the youngest of a number of siblings that underline indicated her birth mother was in fact her eldest “sister” and the people she regarded as her parents were actually her grandparents.

All this was well known in the large family she was born into but never held against either lass.  Both were much loved and treasured family members who always belonged regardless of what any neighbours might say or think.  As this was a couple of generations ahead of us it was ancient history and never mentioned when we were being regaled with stories of the doings and peccadillos of our forebears – not because it was shameful; simply because it was no longer relevant.

By way of contrast, the same situation took place on the other side of my family but was treated very differently.  To be fair, this occurred back in the late 19^th century in a very conventional Methodist family.  Currently, most of the family could not care less at the present time but the branch descended from that wayward one still feel shamed and humiliated and, while happy to be included in the family history,  were guarded and most reluctant to supply certain details.

When we write history, it is important to present the facts.  This is obvious.  What is often not so obvious is that we can so easily present those “facts” from a current, 21^st century perspective and thus unconsciously skew them somewhat.  The values, ethics and attitudes to morality can be (and often are!) very different today from what they were fifty, one hundred or even more years ago.

If you are torn between producing an historically accurate record or one that does not cause distress to others might we suggest one way out of the dilemma is to produce a text that pleases all but then also quietly write a sort of addendum stating the “truth” of the bits that had to be omitted or glossed over; put it in a sealed envelope marked “not to be opened till twenty (or fifty if you prefer!) years after my death”. Lodge it with your lawyer or in a strong box in a bank or with a highly trustworthy family member.

Merely a suggestion.

© Mary McDee 2023

Feature Photo: Thorny Weed © L.M. Kling (nee Trudinger) circa 1986